Hilary Talbot went ahead and made what appears to be a papier-mâché version of Twitter’s now legendary Fail Whale (the stupid picture you get every time Twitter is busted… which is, like, all the time).
A bunch of classic DC Comics TV shows, including the legendary Batman the Animated Series, have now made their way onto iTunes. It’s only a couple seasons, at most, from some of these shows, but it’s a great start. In particular, I recommend the BtAS episode “Beware the Gray Ghost”, which sets up Bruce Wayne’s inspiration for Batman and features a familiar voice in a pivotal role (and which, incidentally, I was almost going to blog about this week…).
Or you can get some Superfriends episodes. Whatever floats your boat.
Blah blah blah, Asia Argento shows us her boobies, blah blah blah, Asia Argento walks around Michael Madsen’s house for 10 minutes in her undies, blah blah blah, Asia Argento goes to China, the end.
Long Version
Let’s go over this one more time: the box cover of this movie depicts Asia Argento in her sexy black underwear, holding a gun with a silencer, and generally looking like she’s about to do something reeeeaallllyyyy naughty. Based on that one would think that the movie would be exciting or thrilling or mysterious or at least interesting, but no, this movie is actually dogshit.
Boarding Gate is wall-to-wall talking. And we’re not dealing with the interesting kind of talking you might find in a movie like Bound or The Punisher or something. No, this is inane, hella lame talking. “Where’s the invoice?” “Here.” “It’s missing a part.” “It comes in tomorrow.” “Oh.” “Yeah.” “Thanks.” “OK.” “Good job.” “No problem.” That’s the entire fucking movie!
So what’s it about? Shit if I know. The plot is convoluted and pretentious and totally retarded. The best I could figure out is that Asia Argento is sleeping with Michael Madsen and some married asian dude who she works for, and then goes from France (which looks kind of like L.A.) to China (which kinda of looks like L.A.) after a bad coke deal. Due to all the stupid talking everything I just described took, like, three hours to happen. Well, maybe not three hours, but it sure as hell felt like three fucking hours. Dances with Wolves seemed to move faster than this flick.
– This movie is so fucking boring even Asia Argento couldn’t make it through the whole thing without passing out.
To add insult to the stupid-ass story, the film wasn’t even visually interesting to watch. How you set a film in France and China and make it uninteresting to look at is totally fucking inexplicable, but somehow director Olivier Assayas pulled it off. That’s some Uwe Boll-level shitty filmmaking there, buddy. Congrats!
– This is the most interesting shot of China in the movie. The dim sum joint I go to looks more Chinese than this. And there I get shrimp shumai!
Honestly, by the time Asia Argento finally pulls out her jugs I was so miserable I didn’t even think it was worth it. Yes, I’m saying that if I have to sit through a pile of shit like this movie to see Asia Argento’s naked boobies, then I don’t even want to see them. My not seeing Asia Argento’s naked breasts will result in my having a higher quality of life, as totally impossible as that sounds. Never in my wildests nightmares could I have imagined a world in which boobs would be presented to me and I would say, “No thank you.” WTF?!
But let’s be clear, this isn’t an indictment of Asia Argento’s titties–which are quite nice–but rather an indictment of this horribly boring movie.
– Yeah, it takes almost 24 minutes for her to whip those babies out, which is, like, 5 times longer than usual. In her defense, 15 minutes after this she pops one out again, you know, for the people who didn’t shoot themselves in the face because this movie is so goddamn stupid. Thanks, Asia Argento!
It’s only redeeming quality is that at one hilarious point Asia Argento walks around Michael Madsen’s house for a good ten minutes in only her underwear, saying and doing the most ridiculous stuff. “Get on the fucking floor!” “Shut up.” “I said shut up!” “I mean it! Shut up.” “I told you to shut up.” “Where do you keep the mustard?” Crap like that. It’s laugh out loud funny, but so clearly not meant to be.
And, really, that’s probably what the whole problem with this movie is–it is completely lacking any sense of humor or fun. It’s oppressively morose, boring, and way too self-important, but the entire cast is made up of bad actors. Michael Madsen? Hey, I love Species as much as the next guy, but Sir Anthony Hopkins he ain’t. Jazz it up a little bit guys. It’s not like you’re ever going to get an Oscar (let alone for shit like this). The whole movie is so lifeless that you can’t even get drunk and watch it. Weak.
MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann is the most entertaining news commentary shows on TV, and now it’s available via iTunes in both audio and video format.
If you missed the show last week that had Jason Bateman on it, which featured a great random cameo by one of his Arrested Development co-stars, then your life is sad and meaningless. FYI.
I don’t remember how I came upon this, but it’s the video for Linkin Park’s “Leave Out All the Rest,” which is greatly inspired by (read: a total rip-off of) Danny Boyle’s film Sunshine (reviewed by me here).
The visual aesthetic of Sunshine is so powerful that it’s instantly recognizable in the video, which, I suppose, is to the director’s credit. I can’t make heads or tails of what the story in the video is supposed to be, though, which makes this a pretty superficial exercise. And, look, lead singer of Linkin Park who yells really good, you’re no Cillian Murphy. Just so we’re clear.
I think I wrote a while ago about the remodeled Apple Keyboard, which is really one of the most wonderful keyboards I’ve ever used, but it does have one really annoying downside: there seems to be no obvious way to really clean the keys. With Apple’s older keyboards you could easily pop off the keys, clean them with soap and water, and then pop them back on once they’re all nice and dry. The new, “low-profile” keys, however, don’t come off nearly as easily, making cleaning much more difficult.
Well, I think I’ve found a pretty nice solution:
Yup, that’s right, one of those Pentel Clic Erasers.
Here’s how it works:
Step 1: Get nasty keyboard.
For reference, here’s my dirty MacBook keyboard. Note how bad the O and P keys look.
Step 2: Erase the dirt right off a key.
See the difference between the O and the P now. It looks unreal, but trust me, it’s not, and it took a whole 4 seconds to do.
Step 3: Repeat with all keys.
This is the after picture. The whole thing takes maybe a minute or two to do.
Step 4: Turn the keyboard upside down and spray it with some compressed air to get rid of any remaining eraser shavings.
That’s it.
This would probably work with any eraser, but the nice thing about the Clic Erasers are that they’re small enough to get the keyboard surface between the keys, if you’re hella OCD like I am.
The only concern you might have is that, somehow, eraser shavings might get under the keys or something. Honestly, I’m not sure, given the geometry involved, that it’s even possible for any shavings to wiggle their way down there, and I’ve cleaned two keyboards this way (MacBook and desktop keyboard) with absolutely no problems. Besides, it seems a lot safer than cleaning with any kind of liquid.
Have fun erasing your way to a cleaner keyboard (it’s minutes of entertainment)!
Thor’s angry teeth vengefully tore into the animal’s meat. The ensuing eruption of meat juice trickled down from his mouth, forming a nearly perfect droplet of carnage on his chin, which he promptly wiped away with his cocktail napkin.
“The pigs in a blanket are not terrible,” noted Thor, finishing off the last of his mouthful.
“Have you tried the mini-quiches?” asked Jeff from accounting. “They have these spinach ones that have crushed pepper in there. It’s like a great explosion of flavor in your mouth.”
“Flavor explosion? There is no greater flavor explosion than the one you get from tearing magic flying goat flesh from magic flying goat bone. It’s especially potent if the magic flying goat is still alive when you eat it.”
“That’s terrible,” cried Jeff from accounting.
“It’s fine. They’re used to it by now.”
Jeff from accounting struggled not to vomit.
“So, ummm, you’re here with your ‘friend’?” Jeff from accounting asked.
“Yes. That’s right. I’m here with my friend and Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader of the Galactic Empire. He helped me pick out my tie. Isn’t it nice?”
Thor held up his paisley tie for Jeff from accounting to admire, which he did, because, really, it was indeed quite a nice tie.
“He said it makes the color in my eyes pop,” added Thor.
“How long have you guys been ‘friends’?” asked Jeff from accounting.
“Four months. We met at a bar in an Outback Steakhouse. He complimented me on the cut of my cape.”
“And do you guys live together? Or is it too soon for that? I don’t know how the timing usually goes for ‘friends’ to move in together.”
“Move in together? What are you babbling about, mortal? And why do you keep doing those little air quote things every time you call us friends?”
“Well,” said Jeff from accounting, “you two are… I mean, I just assumed that you two were, you know, ‘together.’ Gay.”
The collision between Jeff from accounting’s face and Thor’s mighty fist sent a deafening thunderclap through the room, following almost immediately by the equally thunderous sound of Jeff from accounting’s body smashing into the wall on the other side of the room, and then subsequently the wall on the other side of the room behind that one. After that, the room was dead silent, save for the whimpers coming from what remained of Jeff from accounting’s mouth.
Darth Vader, wearing a tie to match Thor’s and carrying a large salt-rimmed margarita, approached Thor. “PURR-AAAH… why did you punch Jeff in the face?” asked The Dark Lord of the Sith.
“He angered me!” shouted Thor. “He made an outrageous suggestion. Truly outrageous!”
“Was it about your tie? … PURR-AAAH…”
“He suggested that you an I are engaged in a homosexual relationship.”
“PURR-AAAH…”
“Well?” Thor insisted.
“Well… PURR-AAAH… it’s just a bro-mance.”
“What the hell is a bro-mance? Is it gay?”
“No, no, it’s totally not gay… PURR-AAAH… It’s just when two guys hang out and become really close and develop a deep emotional and spiritual bond.”
“That sounds gay,” said Thor.
“PURR-AAAH… No, it’s totally cool, man. There’s nothing gay about it. It’s not like we’re snuggling together on the couch on a Friday night watching Entourage. I mean, unless you want to do that…”
“I do not.”
“Yeah… PURR-AAAH… me neither.”
“Vader…” Thor began.
“Please, Thor, I told you to call me Ani.”
“Riiiiiiggggghhhhtttt… I think we should maybe not hang out anymore.”
Vader lurched forward, hands open in front of him, his head titled back in agony, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he cried out.
“Agree to disagree,” was Thor’s reply.
“You shouldn’t pay credence to Jeff,” implored Vader. “His perception is clouded by his feelings. It happens to him all the time. Once he saw a bobcat and thought it was a mountain lion and he totally freaked out, but we were like, ‘hey, that’s not a mountain lion’ and then he realized his mistake and then we all laughed about it over drinks.”
“I’m just not sure I’m comfortable hanging out with you anymore. Sure, it was nice going to hockey games and cape shopping and working together to thwart Dr. Doom’s diabolic plan to build a weather machine…”
“PURR-AAAH… Yes, I liked spending time with you, too.”
“I’m just trying to look out for my ass here. I’m simply very protective of my butt-hole. It’s nothing personal.” It should be noted that this was actually one of the least offensive things Thor had said that night, falling far short of the “Why are you so goddamn fat? Learn to use a treadmill!” he had yelled at the pregnant lady in the wheelchair for whom this particular event was honoring.
“But what about our trip to Lake Tahoe? I wanted you to meet my son, the Jedi. Together we would complete his training…PURR-AAAH… and go fishing.”
“I’m sorry Vader…”
“Ani.”
“Whatever. I’m leaving.”
“Don’t go Thor… PURR-AAAH… Don’t be like that.”
But Thor was gone.
Darth Vader stood alone in the center of the room. A lone tear drop rolled down the front of his mask, culminating in a tiny droplet, which fell, gently, to the ground.
However, Vader was not alone for long: the Morgolax came up beside him with a plate of hors d’oeuvres in his claws.
“The Morgolax finds the lack of shrimp cocktails disturbing,” it muttered to itself upon reaching Darth Vader.
Vader turned and leaned in close to the Morgolax.
“Hey… PURR-AAAH… how’s it going?” said The Dark Lord of the Sith with a sly bend in his voice.
Via 
Let’s go over this one more time: the box cover of this movie depicts Asia Argento in her sexy black underwear, holding a gun with a silencer, and generally looking like she’s about to do something reeeeaallllyyyy naughty. Based on that one would think that the movie would be exciting or thrilling or mysterious or at least interesting, but no, this movie is actually dogshit.
